my life is just so different now.

been a while.

just wanna say that i still hate you.

i’m tired of the negativity.

at this rate, im just gonna cry.

im tired 😭

there are days when u just cannot be positive. and for me

today is the day

i hate feeling like this.

im tired. but ntah la. just so so so tired.

and angry.

been a while since im here. so yeh. here i am. and i want to RANT. about every thing. this is just umm idk. luahan hati yang sikda kaitan ngan idup but benda tok annoy me so much. some men are just so stupid yknow. ok u mok wife bekerja so that dapat share lah nak so that your wife can provide also? WALAUPUN basic needs, semua your responsibilities ok. if u sik cayak, u can just read. it’s everywhere. MEMANG TANGGUNGJAWAB LE LA KI. ok after that, dh u dpt wife bekerja AND WILLING TO PAY FOR THINGS, u expect your wife to do house chores basically EVERYTHING yang u tek pike is tanggungjawab PEREMPUAN. but yknow what? house chores also the husband’s responsibility. your wife is just HELPING you. ok let me ulang k. u mok wife yang keja and mok wife yang do house chores. are you stupid or are you stupid? ko pike apa? mpuan tok robot? your wife is not your mother. so please. if you have this mentality, dont get married.

on another note, IF la wife sik bekerja, THEN U PADAH your wife ngarap duit laki jak. bis ya?!! nya mok ngarap duit laki jiran kah? aie, mun sik bini ngabis duit laki? sapalah? adakah pdah snesne MPUAN WAJIB BEKERJA TO PROVIDE. no! sikda! so wtf? WHY ARE MEN SO FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!!!

when you dont feel like youre enough.

let’s just stay here for awhile. i’m really tired, i’m tired of feeling unhappy. i used to be a really happy person, sometimes i miss my old self. i’m not trying to blame anyone right now, but you really change thru life experiences. you cant expect ppl to be the same throughout their life, can u? so why do u expect that on yourself kai. thats unfair. really unfair. so ive read two books last month which is a great start! ou yes i used to loveeeee reading books ok. i’d rather read than talk or even watch movies. guess i still have my old me somewhere trapped in the new me. the second book that i read, for me, it’s a hard read. not it terms of the plot or the language. but the lesson. it’s undeniable that the book was great, just something about the character unlocked memories of tragedies that i decided not to remember anymore. i know i have to work on my past traumas, i did. i really did. im in a better place right now. but to actually 100% forget about it is something that i failed to do? i guess? or do ppl just work on their traumas and be a brand new person? or do we just pretend everythings fine? ugh but umm idk man. i hate remembering things that i dont want to. but yea, im actually glad things happened yknow. bcs if not, i will never walk out from that abusive phase of my life. my husband loves me when i was very damaged. i feel bad for him sometimes. i know im a better person than i am actually right now. things were hard for me and the fact that he had to deal with my brokenself, shows a lot about him as a person. he’s a great guy and im blessed to have him as my husband. sometimes i forgot to tell him that. i wanna stay here for a while and just spilled words to distract my thoughts. i hope to receive good news tomorrow. it’s hard for me to be strong already. ive been holding on for sooooo long i just wanna be weak. oh i read somewhere that a good wife always think positively about their husband but not to be mistaken by being stupid membabi buta. being a wife is really diff than being a girlfriend. and i love being his wife! i learn along the way how to be a good wife and i realised my mistakes; and try to learn from it. and learning is a never ending journey. one thing i noticed about marriage life is u need to have LOADS of SABAR. LOADS OF IT! like major amount of sabr. i didnt even know i have it in me ok. BUT yea most of the times i actually hilang saba oh damn why am i like this. ever since i was a child, sabr is not in my personal trait. i am known as someone who sik pande saba. and growing up i have to saba for a lot of things. yknow i get physically semput when i have to saba? yes, that bad. sometimes when i feel overwhelmed it just hard to breathe. do i have health issue? mental issue? when i was a child, i cant focus on one thing, i am so easily distracted. i cant sit in one place for a long time. i think kids are like that. but my mom said my other sibs didnt behave like i did. ugh ok whatevs. i cant think anymore. feels good to write and spilled words. bye

of sleepless nights and bad dreams.

still not sure if what we decided was the best, but i know for sure it was final.

regrets? let’s not talk about it. bcs deep down i know there’s nothing much we can do.

i pray that one day i will be able to forgive myself, and i finally can let go and stop getting nightmares.

rindu husband. ueghhghshshhxjsnjzkzjzinzus

i wish cats are immortal.

when being strong is the only option.

just. tired.